Horny serial killers

Yep.

I said it.

In one random post I used those words: horny. serial. killers.

It was the one where I described how a trip to my friend's house out in the country had me driving through horny toads (real thing) out in the dark where I'm sure serial killers live.

NBD.

(that's No Big Deal, mom)

But what IS a big deal is that there are people in this world that are searching Google for "horny serial killers", and those people apparently think they will find what they're looking for HERE.

OMG.

(that's Oh My Gosh, mom)

I chuckle when I picture their reaction upon finding me instead of, well, something else....

"...I'mma tickle my fancy with some horny serial killers....let's see what the Internets can do....G-O-O-G-L-E and presto...wha....?!  Felt Balls?!  Night time frolicking in the country?!?  CURSES!!!"

I mean, I'm sure it went something like that.

I taught that perv-o a lesson.

WTF.

(that's Well That's Fantastic, mom)

They call me slim shady

I made that up.

No one calls me that, in fact the only nickname I have is Beetle and it's less to do with me and more about a car I had once upon a time.

But I am on the skinny side.

See how I did that?  Easing my way into a more "hot button" topic.

That's why they call me Stacie Seamless Transition Lucas.

Also made up.

Weight.  That's what I'm easing into, the issue of the day.  On most days.  'Specially for the ladies.  The hot button part is when you've got someone like me talking about it.  I'm, 5'8"* and I weigh 125 pounds, what the heck do I know about weight or the daily struggles associated with it?  I've gained only ten pounds since graduating from high school thirteen years ago and if we're allowed to be a little honest here I'd say I'm proud that I have found a way to stay trim and not want to jab a fork in my eye out of frustration from any number of crappy diets.

Wait, can I say crap here?

But I know many out there do struggle and I want to share what is working for me:

1. I don't drink soda.  Ever.  Gave it up when I was 13 and never looked backnoIamlying.  I may or may not have partook in one or two or thirty captain 'n cokes during that phase in my life that shall remain buried in a closet of bad choices.

Anyway, I don't drink soda.  Or juice.  Or sports drinks.  Or alcohol.  So. Much. Shugga.  Not even the diet stuff; don't even get me started on the devil of aspartame which I pronounce as-PART-ah-may to be funny.  Funny, right?  This saves me those sugar "credits" to use toward an occasional candy bar or half a pan of brownies.

Say wha...?!  Yeah, I do actually have a pretty ruthless sweet tooth.  I'm a slave to my body's need for Snickers, and cookies, and razzleberry pies.  If I don't give in every now and then I'll end up stuffing my face with whatever bag 'o goodies is closest and I end up doing more damage.

2.  I stay away from processed foods and snacks.  This especially includes fast food, but also chips and those delicious Little Debbie treats among others.  There's just something about a food that looks better with age that makes me think it might not be natural.  Never mind all those unknown chemicals and preservatives that simply make me feel yucky, run down and depressed.

3.  I exercise moderately.  And in small increments because I get bored easily.  20-30 minute walk in the mornings and 30 minutes running and stairs every other evening.  Sometimes more, sometimes less.  Depends on whether or not I've been hung up on four times during the day and need to run out some steam.

4.  I give myself A LOT of flexibility.  Don't know if you noticed but I've been going through some things.  Throw a puppy and a jewelry business in the mix and there is no time or energy to do any kind of exercise.  I'd like to get my routine back, and I know I will, but in the meantime I'm not beating myself up over it.  That's one extra stressor I definitely don't need.

Also, I give myself flexibility in what I eat.  For instance, when Corey walks in with three boxes of Samoas and four boxes of Thin Mints you'd better believe I'm going to eat each box.  Because I know it's only one time out of the year we get these.  Or when I'm at a social gathering I will tap that sour cream & onion dip with a whole lotta Lays, but just at that one get-together.

5.  I look for balance.  This goes along with flexibility.  Those days I need me some fish and chips (yuuuuummm) I'll substitute the chips for vegetables.  If everyone else is getting a java chip frappuccino I'll cave to the peer pressure but use skim milk and no whip cream.

6.  I do eventually buckle down.  Sometimes.  When those inevitable extra pounds come on after a season of Girl Scout cookies and/or difficult, stressful times.  But I still give myself that flexibility, just not as much.  And I find that balance, but I lean more toward the veggies.  It's a slow process to bring me back down to 125 but I always manage to do it because it doesn't feel like work.

Obviously, more weight loss (as opposed to weight maintenance) requires a different approach, like more effort and more time.  But ultimately you have to do something that's going to work for you. 

.....

* At one point in my life I was 5'8" so I will forever claim to be 5'8" even though my vertebrae are getting all lazy and saggy and I may or may not technically be hovering right around 5'7"

I'm still here, are you?!

Hello.

I missed you.

Let's not stay apart for this long again. 

Um, it's Stacie.

No, not Tracy, Stacie.

Don't worry, I get that all the time.

My fault, anyway.  I've never spent this much time away from the blog.  Not when I was so stressed I nearly threw my parents' printer into their pool while trying to print wedding RSVP cards, or when I had the oh-so-hectic schedule of work, work, work, quick dinner, memorize lines, rehearsal, felt during rehearsal, drive home, fall into bed.  I always managed to have a story to tell, or had a story I wanted to tell.

But I was also happy then.

Now I'm just....blah.

At church on Sunday I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a few months.  Our quick let's-catch-up-in-the-10-minutes-before-the-next-service-starts conversation made me chuckle in a laugh-so-I-don't-cry kinda way.

It went a little somethin' like this:

"Hey! How are you?!"

"Oh fine, and you?"

"Good, good..."

(small talk)

"....did you hear we got a puppy?"

"Oh!  But you still have Oliver, right?"

"Well, no.  We had to put him down in January."

"Oh no I'm so sorry!"

"Yeah, he got sick...."

(small talk)

"So how's your mom?"

"Well...."

"Oh that's right, I heard her father died."

"In February, yeah...."

(small talk)

"...and at least my mom has some company, with (sister) and (bro-in-law) living with her."

"What?  I thought they lived up north?"

"Well, in December (bro-in-law, sheriff's deputy) had to shoot and kill someone so now they're staying with my mom while he fights debilitating anxiety...."

...

We only had a few minutes to talk so that's as far as we got.  Plus I think there's this thing in the Bible about not complaining, so....

It's just not happy-time here on the farm, is what I'm tryin' to say. 

I'm sad for my losses and for my sisters' struggles.  I wish that my family didn't have to move halfway across the country leaving me all alone here.  I'm ready for something to go right so that I can see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel...I know it's there but my faith is wearing thin.

Or as I told my mom, maybe the sun just needs to come out so I can get some vitamin D already!

Not that long ago I saw a co-worker go through a similar year where one thing after another just went wrong.  I felt bad for her and thought she had the worst luck in the world.  But then things started to not go wrong, and eventually life evened out and I saw that it wasn't a case of bad luck that she was going through but one of those "seasons" big kids were always are talking about.

Seasons.  So mature sounding.  Short for "that time I wanted to hibernate for six months."

Another big-girl lesson learned:

1) Sometimes things just go wrong for awhile.

Also:

2) Girl scout cookies make you fat.

So, boo.  All I can do just hang in there....

...and freak out.

Just kidding.  I'm just going to wait.

Happy Birthday Katie-whats-her-face!

Here's something funny: today is my younger sister's birthday!

Wait for it, that's not actually the funny part...

She was born when I was four and we spent the next fourteen years under the same roof.  We've moved across the country together and because our family is insanely close, we've been around each other all. the. time. all. these. years. We know the kinds of things about each other only a sister would know....

....except for how to spell her middle name.

Yeesh, Stace.

Guilty as charged.  For the life of me I cannot spell it.

And I can't even pin this on my parents for giving her some wacky family name that's been passed down for some thirteen thousand years with, like, Js and Zs and Qs.  It's Nicole for crying out loud but spelled with an H and maybe the E but I'm not quite sure.

We laugh about it.

I think we do....right Katie??

Anyway, Happy Birthday sis!

Rod Stewart and candy heart distractions

My dog died yesterday.

Whoa, way to just jump right into it, Stace.

If you follow me and/or Corey on Facebook you got the play-by-play over the weekend.  It wasn't a horrific, painful thing.  Just sad.  And quick.

If you don't follow me and/or Corey those are probably the only deets you'll get because re-living the whole thing makes me curl up into a little ball of crocodile tears and snot and a lot of ugly.  Really ugly.  And right now there are a few puddles of water under my desk from the snow I tracked in so it's just not a good time to get all up under there, plus I already lost, like, four pounds from crying all day yesterday.

It was water weight.

So in an effort to 1) not talk about it and 2) distract myself, I'm going on a random streak.

Be warned, I have no idea where this is going:

There is a chair in the bathroom at my office.  I'm tempted to just have a seat and wait for someone to walk in and carry on as if we're both there to chat about our days.

My breakfast these days is a chocolate protein shake.  I take my shake into the shower with me.

I wanted to get bangs again, but I'm afraid that if I do it now everyone will think I'm on a Michelle Obama bandwagon.  Not that I'm against that, I just like to march to the beat of my own drummer.

With that said, I would hate to be a "groupie" of anything.  Corey's co-worker looks exactly like Rod Stewart and while we were together at the track a few summers ago I thought, "ohmigosh people are staring, they think we're latch-ons!!"  Did not like the feeling.  What I did like: using that fake fame to get right into a busy restaurant later on.

I don't eat potato chips.  But sometimes I do, and those times I'm like, "uggghhh why am I eating these, I don't even like potato chips."  And then ten minutes later I'm like, "ugggghhh why am I STILL eating these?"  And not long after that I'm like, "uggghhhh I just finished that bag and now I have a stomach ache!"

That just happened.

I don't write about potty humor here even though I'm like a 12-year-old and find it extremely amusing.  My thoughts on this: if I want people to take me semi-seriously as a business lady I should act a tad professional in my blog posts.  I mean, I'm still 100% honest in my (very few) posts, I just leave out the gas.

Even though I really want to tell you about the one night I was startled awake by a fart.  It wasn't mine.  Living with a boy has been interesting, and kinda smelly.

I have four mini holes in the shirt I'm wearing today.  It's only after I've been at work for a few hours that, oh yeah, this is the shirt that has all those dang holes in it!

Speaking of swearing, I kinda gave up on my New Year's resolutions.  You know, because I was looking for this year to be better than the last two and what with my dog dying I figured that puts a check in the lose column for 2013.  Geez Louise.

But I'm not talking about that.

Still fighting a potato chip ache.  But on top of the chips is now a milk chocolate/caramel heart my co-worker brought in for me.  It'll be a long day of digesting.

Do you watch The Bachelor?  Doesn't Tierra look/act just a tad (sarcasm italics) like someone else we grew to loathe?  *coughCourtneycough*  And I am disappointed in Kacie B.  Girlfriend was my favorite in Ben's season and now?  Oh Kacie B.

Don't watch The Bachelor?  Please disregard the above.  But you should watch so we have something to talk about.

That's about it for now.  I'm fixin' to have me a breakdown thinking about going home to an apartment with no wagging tail.

You don't want to be around for it.

Thanks for the distraction, friends!

Swearing in the New Year!

Happy New Year!!

Let all acquaintance be forgot...

Wait, wha...?

Oh, we're over New Year?

....we've been over it for a week now?

I guess that means I'm right on cue.

This girl is what we would call a late-bandwagon-jumper-on-er.  I mean, if that were a real thing.  And used real words.

While it was still the cool thing to do, I read through every single blogger in the world's a few, just a few blogger's resolutions.  Very eeeenterestingk.

Some bloggers were pretty reasonable, like "buy toilet paper before I run out," and "wash my hair when it gets dirty."  My favorite: "eat and breathe."

But others were out of their minds.  Srsly, you're going to build a miniature version of the Great Wall of China out of Chiclets??

That would be impressive, actually. 

I used to make resolutions when I was younger.  They were usually a combination of serious, totally unattainable, and nonsensical.  I wanted puppies, more estrogen for the purpose of a certain focused development (ahem), and Brad Pitt.  Because for goodness sake at 16 years old what else could I actually need to make my life better?

Now that I have a little bit more life under my belt, and I don't mean that literally even though I am literally growing enough on my thighs to build another person, I thought I should take another more serious crack at this resolution thing because this time there is room for improvement.

But I'll do it a tad differently.

Of course.

Here's the deal: 2011-12 were not my best years.  No.  They were, in fact, my least favorite and if I wasn't trying to eliminate the negativity in my thinking I'd say they were complete crap. 

Were I not trying to stay so stinking positive I'd also say I must be doing something wrong and I should probably focus on doing the exact opposite this year because how much worse could I possibly do?

As in, pull a George Costanza and do the reverse of everything I would normally do.

But I'm positive now, so my official statement is: hey, just for giggles why don't I try doing everything I wouldn't normally do to see if that brings health and happiness to me and the whole wide world!

Why not, this could be fun:

Opposite Day Resolutions for 2013

Don't be lazy.

If you don't want to get up to do something you probably should be up and doing it.

Swear more.

2012 Stacie felt swearing was crude and should be kept behind closed doors where only a certain husband could hear and know he was in big trouble.  Not anymore.  Bring that sh** out.

Eat McDonald's.

Green beans and tofu will never compare, so why fight it?

Tweet fake rumors about Angelina Jolie.

Because you're still not over the breakup of Brad and Jen.  That was supposed to last forever Idon'twannatalkaboutit.

Stand up to foo's.

Tact, discretion: who needs 'em?  If that lady in the 14 items or less line obviously has more than 14 items let her know her rudeness is unappreciated.  Use swear words.

No make up.

Save time, save money.  You already have a husband and he's not going anywhere.

Move to Florida.

The humidity is good for curls.

Pierce something.

You don't want a professional office job anyway, plus the only time you really feel alive is when a cold piece of metal is shoved through your skin.  No, no wait that's when you really feel like vomiting, so never mind.

Consume adult brownies.

McD's will come in handy here.

Take up plumbing.

Because students are not being encouraged to pick up a trade in school and are instead shoved into college programs that some simply cannot handle.  I'm afraid there may be a real lack of plumbers in the next 10-15 years.

. . . .

That's my plan, I think it's a good start.

Here's to a ***** ***** *** ***** 2013, and Happy  **** ******** New Year to you and yours!!

A Merry Humblebrag Christmas to you!!

If Corey and I had not been so wrapped up in fantasy football and jewelry prep, respectively, the following
would have been our Christmas letter to you:

credit: corey and his cell phone

Seasons Greetings to our family, friends, neighbors, work colleagues we like, senators, president, 

visiting dignitaries and bearded milkman!

Oh how this holiday season crept up on us this year!  We Lucases like to stay busy throughout the year and that means sometimes it seems as we're looking down at a summer Saratoga racing form 

three months go by and it's time to roast that holiday ham!

This year Corey was promoted from technical recruiter at his company to owner.  Of course this came with a 500% increase in pay which finally gave us the opportunity to buy that seven bedroom house on the beach in Puerto Rico we've been eyeing for years.  Spring in "the Puerto" as us locals call it ;) is absolutely magical. 

He also picked up his hockey stick and laced up his skates for the first time in two decades for a little recreational fun in the Saratoga men's league.  The NHL got wind of his reemergence and signed him to a three-year deal with the Canadians!  Obviously, this is just a part-time job.  His real passion is for web-based system development.

credit: same celly

Stacie has landed her first QVC special for her felted wool jewelry to air during this Christmas season.  Actresses Angelina Jolie and Helen Mirren have even endorsed her natural alpaca line which is now selling so fast she has had to hire local teens 

to do most of her felting.  But although she has more work than time, she still manages to paint murals on 

several of the city's graffiti covered buildings.

Oliver joined the Navy SEALs and is planning his first secret mission later in January.

Best wishes to all, except those work colleagues we don't like, for a happy and healthy New Year!

The Lucases