Thursday, March 28, 2013

Horny serial killers


I said it.

In one random post I used those words: horny. serial. killers.

It was the one where I described how a trip to my friend's house out in the country had me driving through horny toads (real thing) out in the dark where I'm sure serial killers live.


(that's No Big Deal, mom)

But what IS a big deal is that there are people in this world that are searching Google for "horny serial killers", and those people apparently think they will find what they're looking for HERE.


(that's Oh My Gosh, mom)

I chuckle when I picture their reaction upon finding me instead of, well, something else....

"...I'mma tickle my fancy with some horny serial killers....let's see what the Internets can do....G-O-O-G-L-E and presto...wha....?!  Felt Balls?!  Night time frolicking in the country?!?  CURSES!!!"

I mean, I'm sure it went something like that.

I taught that perv-o a lesson.


(that's Well That's Fantastic, mom)

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

They call me slim shady

I made that up.

No one calls me that, in fact the only nickname I have is Beetle and it's less to do with me and more about a car I had once upon a time.

But I am on the skinny side.

See how I did that?  Easing my way into a more "hot button" topic.

That's why they call me Stacie Seamless Transition Lucas.

Also made up.

Weight.  That's what I'm easing into, the issue of the day.  On most days.  'Specially for the ladies.  The hot button part is when you've got someone like me talking about it.  I'm, 5'8"* and I weigh 125 pounds, what the heck do I know about weight or the daily struggles associated with it?  I've gained only ten pounds since graduating from high school thirteen years ago and if we're allowed to be a little honest here I'd say I'm proud that I have found a way to stay trim and not want to jab a fork in my eye out of frustration from any number of crappy diets.

Wait, can I say crap here?

But I know many out there do struggle and I want to share what is working for me:

1. I don't drink soda.  Ever.  Gave it up when I was 13 and never looked backnoIamlying.  I may or may not have partook in one or two or thirty captain 'n cokes during that phase in my life that shall remain buried in a closet of bad choices.

Anyway, I don't drink soda.  Or juice.  Or sports drinks.  Or alcohol.  So. Much. Shugga.  Not even the diet stuff; don't even get me started on the devil of aspartame which I pronounce as-PART-ah-may to be funny.  Funny, right?  This saves me those sugar "credits" to use toward an occasional candy bar or half a pan of brownies.

Say wha...?!  Yeah, I do actually have a pretty ruthless sweet tooth.  I'm a slave to my body's need for Snickers, and cookies, and razzleberry pies.  If I don't give in every now and then I'll end up stuffing my face with whatever bag 'o goodies is closest and I end up doing more damage.

2.  I stay away from processed foods and snacks.  This especially includes fast food, but also chips and those delicious Little Debbie treats among others.  There's just something about a food that looks better with age that makes me think it might not be natural.  Never mind all those unknown chemicals and preservatives that simply make me feel yucky, run down and depressed.

3.  I exercise moderately.  And in small increments because I get bored easily.  20-30 minute walk in the mornings and 30 minutes running and stairs every other evening.  Sometimes more, sometimes less.  Depends on whether or not I've been hung up on four times during the day and need to run out some steam.

4.  I give myself A LOT of flexibility.  Don't know if you noticed but I've been going through some things.  Throw a puppy and a jewelry business in the mix and there is no time or energy to do any kind of exercise.  I'd like to get my routine back, and I know I will, but in the meantime I'm not beating myself up over it.  That's one extra stressor I definitely don't need.

Also, I give myself flexibility in what I eat.  For instance, when Corey walks in with three boxes of Samoas and four boxes of Thin Mints you'd better believe I'm going to eat each box.  Because I know it's only one time out of the year we get these.  Or when I'm at a social gathering I will tap that sour cream & onion dip with a whole lotta Lays, but just at that one get-together.

5.  I look for balance.  This goes along with flexibility.  Those days I need me some fish and chips (yuuuuummm) I'll substitute the chips for vegetables.  If everyone else is getting a java chip frappuccino I'll cave to the peer pressure but use skim milk and no whip cream.

6.  I do eventually buckle down.  Sometimes.  When those inevitable extra pounds come on after a season of Girl Scout cookies and/or difficult, stressful times.  But I still give myself that flexibility, just not as much.  And I find that balance, but I lean more toward the veggies.  It's a slow process to bring me back down to 125 but I always manage to do it because it doesn't feel like work.

Obviously, more weight loss (as opposed to weight maintenance) requires a different approach, like more effort and more time.  But ultimately you have to do something that's going to work for you


* At one point in my life I was 5'8" so I will forever claim to be 5'8" even though my vertebrae are getting all lazy and saggy and I may or may not technically be hovering right around 5'7"

Sunday, March 24, 2013

I'm still here, are you?!


I missed you.

Let's not stay apart for this long again. 

Um, it's Stacie.

No, not Tracy, Stacie.

Don't worry, I get that all the time.

My fault, anyway.  I've never spent this much time away from the blog.  Not when I was so stressed I nearly threw my parents' printer into their pool while trying to print wedding RSVP cards, or when I had the oh-so-hectic schedule of work, work, work, quick dinner, memorize lines, rehearsal, felt during rehearsal, drive home, fall into bed.  I always managed to have a story to tell, or had a story I wanted to tell.

But I was also happy then.

Now I'm just....blah.

At church on Sunday I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a few months.  Our quick let's-catch-up-in-the-10-minutes-before-the-next-service-starts conversation made me chuckle in a laugh-so-I-don't-cry kinda way.

It went a little somethin' like this:

"Hey! How are you?!"

"Oh fine, and you?"

"Good, good..."

(small talk)

"....did you hear we got a puppy?"

"Oh!  But you still have Oliver, right?"

"Well, no.  We had to put him down in January."

"Oh no I'm so sorry!"

"Yeah, he got sick...."

(small talk)

"So how's your mom?"


"Oh that's right, I heard her father died."

"In February, yeah...."

(small talk)

"...and at least my mom has some company, with (sister) and (bro-in-law) living with her."

"What?  I thought they lived up north?"

"Well, in December (bro-in-law, sheriff's deputy) had to shoot and kill someone so now they're staying with my mom while he fights debilitating anxiety...."


We only had a few minutes to talk so that's as far as we got.  Plus I think there's this thing in the Bible about not complaining, so....

It's just not happy-time here on the farm, is what I'm tryin' to say. 

I'm sad for my losses and for my sisters' struggles.  I wish that my family didn't have to move halfway across the country leaving me all alone here.  I'm ready for something to go right so that I can see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel...I know it's there but my faith is wearing thin.

Or as I told my mom, maybe the sun just needs to come out so I can get some vitamin D already!

Not that long ago I saw a co-worker go through a similar year where one thing after another just went wrong.  I felt bad for her and thought she had the worst luck in the world.  But then things started to not go wrong, and eventually life evened out and I saw that it wasn't a case of bad luck that she was going through but one of those "seasons" big kids were always are talking about.

Seasons.  So mature sounding.  Short for "that time I wanted to hibernate for six months."

Another big-girl lesson learned:

1) Sometimes things just go wrong for awhile.


2) Girl scout cookies make you fat.

So, boo.  All I can do just hang in there....

...and freak out.

Just kidding.  I'm just going to wait.